April 26, 2013 - Back when I did this comic I was extremely surprised by the reaction. Many people seemed to be angry at Ellie for her indecisiveness and reservations regarding Rob's attitude which almost seemed to suggest that a discussion over sexual activity is okay so long as one always consents to every suggestion presented, which treads dangerously close to the idea that one can never say "no" to sex.
You're always allowed to say "no" to sex. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with sex. It's okay to have questions about sex. And it's okay to ask questions to a partner.
Not everyone's going to have the same opinions about what sexual behaviors are pleasurable or even acceptable, and though in some instances one might make compromises to address such situations, some times the best response is to simply walk away.
Ellie wants to have sex, but she also has romantic expectations and safety concerns that Rob does not share. To a certain extent she was willing to forego some of these (well, actually pretty much most of these) romantic expectations to appease her sexual desires but she does draw a line somewhere, specifically when her safety concerns are threatened and maybe that line should have been drawn much sooner. Judgment over where the line is drawn doesn't actually matter though just that she does have a voice that can say I am not okay with what is happening to me or might happen to me and would like this situation to stop. She's not saying it's not okay for everyone (I'm not saying having unprotected sex with someone like Rob is the greatest idea in the world, but if one's okay with it, I certainly have no right stopping that person), but she is saying it's not okay for her. Such an opinion needs to be respected.
Meanwhile, though it's admirable that Rob did agree to leave, his first line of dialogue is noticeably problematic. Why can't he respect Ellie's initial request that he leave without her raising her voice? He doesn't ask her to clarify her opinion because he's uncertain, he attempts to coerce her into behavior which she's already expressed she's uncomfortable with. And this cycles back to where this conversation began that one must respect that a person can change his or her mind at any point regarding whether to engage in sexual activity.
Unfortunately there are a lot of real world stories directly related to this issue. Many of which took place this week. Ranging from Think Progress's article discussing the importance of age appropriate sexual education as early as kindergarten as a way of preventing sexual assault and teaching consent to laws in Pennsylvania discouraging the reporting of sexual assault as it could result in eviction to protests of Dartmouth's lack of action to confront the amount of discrimination and sexual violence on its campus to a student on Arizona's campus prominently blaming victims of rape for the sexual assault they experienced. Rape culture is unfortunately very prominent in the US as well as the world at large, and saying that someone should automatically be okay with the idea of consensual sexual behavior even when they're "not ready" doesn't help.
-D
You're always allowed to say "no" to sex. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with sex. It's okay to have questions about sex. And it's okay to ask questions to a partner.
Not everyone's going to have the same opinions about what sexual behaviors are pleasurable or even acceptable, and though in some instances one might make compromises to address such situations, some times the best response is to simply walk away.
Ellie wants to have sex, but she also has romantic expectations and safety concerns that Rob does not share. To a certain extent she was willing to forego some of these (well, actually pretty much most of these) romantic expectations to appease her sexual desires but she does draw a line somewhere, specifically when her safety concerns are threatened and maybe that line should have been drawn much sooner. Judgment over where the line is drawn doesn't actually matter though just that she does have a voice that can say I am not okay with what is happening to me or might happen to me and would like this situation to stop. She's not saying it's not okay for everyone (I'm not saying having unprotected sex with someone like Rob is the greatest idea in the world, but if one's okay with it, I certainly have no right stopping that person), but she is saying it's not okay for her. Such an opinion needs to be respected.
Meanwhile, though it's admirable that Rob did agree to leave, his first line of dialogue is noticeably problematic. Why can't he respect Ellie's initial request that he leave without her raising her voice? He doesn't ask her to clarify her opinion because he's uncertain, he attempts to coerce her into behavior which she's already expressed she's uncomfortable with. And this cycles back to where this conversation began that one must respect that a person can change his or her mind at any point regarding whether to engage in sexual activity.
Unfortunately there are a lot of real world stories directly related to this issue. Many of which took place this week. Ranging from Think Progress's article discussing the importance of age appropriate sexual education as early as kindergarten as a way of preventing sexual assault and teaching consent to laws in Pennsylvania discouraging the reporting of sexual assault as it could result in eviction to protests of Dartmouth's lack of action to confront the amount of discrimination and sexual violence on its campus to a student on Arizona's campus prominently blaming victims of rape for the sexual assault they experienced. Rape culture is unfortunately very prominent in the US as well as the world at large, and saying that someone should automatically be okay with the idea of consensual sexual behavior even when they're "not ready" doesn't help.
-D
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